Southern Football v.s. Northern
in back pocket and a $20 bill in the front pocket.
SOUTH: Louis Vuitton duffel with two lipsticks, waterproof mascara,
and a fifth of bourbon. Money is not necessary - that's what dates are for.
NORTH: College football
stadiums hold 20,000 people.
SOUTH: High school football stadiums hold 20,000 people.
their daughters to understand Sylvia Plath.
SOUTH: Expect their daughters to understand pass interference.
NORTH: Statues of founding fathers.
SOUTH: Statues of Heisman trophy winners.
Also a physics major.
SOUTH: Also Miss America.
NORTH: If you are slightly coordinated, you
make the varsity squad.
SOUTH: You begin cheer camp at age two, complete with ballet, dance, & gymnastic training.
SOUTH: Archie & Peyton Manning
NORTH: 5 days before the game you walk into
the ticket office on campus and purchase tickets.
SOUTH: 5 months before the game you walk into the ticket office on campus
& put name on the waiting list.
Friday Classes After a Thursday Night Game:
NORTH: Students and teachers
not sure they're going to the game, because they have classes on Friday.
SOUTH: Teachers cancel Friday classes because
they don't want to see the few hung-over students that might actually make it to class.
NORTH: An hour
before game time, the University opens the campus for game parking.
SOUTH: RVs sporting their school flags begin arriving
on Wednesday for the weekend festivities. The really faithful arrive on Tuesday.
NORTH: A few students
party in the dorm and watch ESPN on TV.
SOUTH: Every student wakes up, has a beer for breakfast, and rushes over to where
ESPN is broadcasting "Game Day Live" to get on camera and wave to the idiots up north.
meat on a grill, beer with lime in it, listening to local radio station with truck tailgate down.
SOUTH: 30-foot custom
pig-shaped smoker fires up at dawn. Cooking accompanied by live performance by "Dave Matthews' Band," who come over during
breaks and ask for a hit off bottle of bourbon.
Getting to the Stadium:
NORTH: You ask "Where's the stadium?"
When you find it, you walk right in.
SOUTH: When you're near it, you'll hear it. On game day it becomes the state's third
NORTH: Drinks served in a paper cup, filled to the top with soda.
served in a plastic cup with the home team's mascot on it, filled less than halfway with soda, to ensure enough room for bourbon.
National Anthem is Played:
NORTH: Stands are less than half full, and less than half of them stand up.
fans, all standing, sing along in perfect four-part harmony.
The Smell in the Air After the First Score:
SOUTH: Fireworks, with a touch of bourbon.
NORTH: "Nice play."
"Dammit, you slow sumbitch - tackle him and break his legs."
NORTH: "My, this certainly
is a violent sport."
SOUTH: "Dammit, you slow sumbitch - tackle him and break his legs."
Neutral and paid.
SOUTH: Announcer harmonizes with the crowd in the fight song, with a tear in his eye because he is so
proud of his team.
After the Game:
NORTH: The stadium is empty way before the game ends.
SOUTH: Another rack
of ribs goes on the smoker. While somebody goes to the nearest package store for more bourbon; planning begins for next week's