Southern Football v.s. Northern
Football
Women's Accessories:
NORTH: ChapStick
in back pocket and a $20 bill in the front pocket. SOUTH: Louis Vuitton duffel with two lipsticks, waterproof mascara,
and a fifth of bourbon. Money is not necessary - that's what dates are for.
Stadium Size:
NORTH: College football
stadiums hold 20,000 people. SOUTH: High school football stadiums hold 20,000 people.
Fathers:
NORTH: Expect
their daughters to understand Sylvia Plath. SOUTH: Expect their daughters to understand pass interference.
Campus
Decor:
NORTH: Statues of founding fathers. SOUTH: Statues of Heisman trophy winners.
Homecoming Queen:
NORTH:
Also a physics major. SOUTH: Also Miss America.
Cheerleaders:
NORTH: If you are slightly coordinated, you
make the varsity squad. SOUTH: You begin cheer camp at age two, complete with ballet, dance, & gymnastic training.
Heroes:
NORTH:
Rudy Guliani SOUTH: Archie & Peyton Manning
Getting Tickets:
NORTH: 5 days before the game you walk into
the ticket office on campus and purchase tickets. SOUTH: 5 months before the game you walk into the ticket office on campus
& put name on the waiting list.
Friday Classes After a Thursday Night Game:
NORTH: Students and teachers
not sure they're going to the game, because they have classes on Friday. SOUTH: Teachers cancel Friday classes because
they don't want to see the few hung-over students that might actually make it to class.
Parking:
NORTH: An hour
before game time, the University opens the campus for game parking. SOUTH: RVs sporting their school flags begin arriving
on Wednesday for the weekend festivities. The really faithful arrive on Tuesday.
Game Day:
NORTH: A few students
party in the dorm and watch ESPN on TV. SOUTH: Every student wakes up, has a beer for breakfast, and rushes over to where
ESPN is broadcasting "Game Day Live" to get on camera and wave to the idiots up north.
Tailgating:
NORTH: Raw
meat on a grill, beer with lime in it, listening to local radio station with truck tailgate down. SOUTH: 30-foot custom
pig-shaped smoker fires up at dawn. Cooking accompanied by live performance by "Dave Matthews' Band," who come over during
breaks and ask for a hit off bottle of bourbon.
Getting to the Stadium:
NORTH: You ask "Where's the stadium?"
When you find it, you walk right in. SOUTH: When you're near it, you'll hear it. On game day it becomes the state's third
largest city.
Concessions:
NORTH: Drinks served in a paper cup, filled to the top with soda. SOUTH: Drinks
served in a plastic cup with the home team's mascot on it, filled less than halfway with soda, to ensure enough room for bourbon.
When
National Anthem is Played:
NORTH: Stands are less than half full, and less than half of them stand up. SOUTH: 100,000
fans, all standing, sing along in perfect four-part harmony.
The Smell in the Air After the First Score:
NORTH:
Nothing changes. SOUTH: Fireworks, with a touch of bourbon.
Commentary (Male):
NORTH: "Nice play." SOUTH:
"Dammit, you slow sumbitch - tackle him and break his legs."
Commentary (Female):
NORTH: "My, this certainly
is a violent sport." SOUTH: "Dammit, you slow sumbitch - tackle him and break his legs."
Announcers:
NORTH:
Neutral and paid. SOUTH: Announcer harmonizes with the crowd in the fight song, with a tear in his eye because he is so
proud of his team.
After the Game:
NORTH: The stadium is empty way before the game ends. SOUTH: Another rack
of ribs goes on the smoker. While somebody goes to the nearest package store for more bourbon; planning begins for next week's
game.
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