Bear Hunting Yankees
Two Yankee's came down to Louisiana
to go bear hunting. They came upon a fork in the road and a sign that read "BEAR LEFT"; so they went home. Northern Humor
Q. Do Southerners laugh at different
things than Northerners do?
A. Yes-- Northerners.
"Show him 'yer papers…"
Some linemen were busy putting up telephone
poles through a farmer's fields. The farmer ordered them off his land, whereupon they showed him a paper giving them the right
to plant poles wherever they pleased. Not long afterward a big and vicious bull charged the linemen. The old farmer sat on
a nearby fence and yelled, "Show him yer papers, darn ye, show him yer papers!"
"Yankee on Vacation"
A fellow from Boston was in Louisiana visiting family. One day he decided to take a walk around the area where
his relatives lived to enjoy their fine, comfortable southern way of life-- something he was not accustomed to, being from
the north. While walking he happened upon a pit bull attacking a small child. His instincts took over, and he ran to the child's
aid. He grabbed the dog, pulled him from the child, and choked the dog until he was dead. As the dead animal lay at his feet,
a man came running over from the other side of the street. He announced that he was the star reporter for a big Louisiana
newspaper, and he would make the rescuer famous. "LOUISIANA MAN SAVES CHILD FROM GRUESOME DEATH," the headlines would proclaim.
The would-be savior thought that this sounded great, but explained that he was from Boston -- not Louisiana. The next day
the headlines of the Louisiana paper read: "YANKEE KILLS FAMILY PET."
Did you hear about the guy from Arkansas
that went up north on vacation? Being a regular churchgoer, Sunday morning found him visiting in a nice big church in Maine.
His first impression was of how quiet and subdued the service was. At one point during the sermon, the preacher said something the Arkansan really agreed with. "Amen!" agreed the visitor
loudly. As the entire church turned
to stare, the usher ran up to the Arkansan. "Shhhhhh....." he said sternly. "You can't speak out like that here." "But I've got religion," the visitor explained. "Fine!" said the usher. "But you didn't get it here."
"ATTENTION ALL VISITORS TO TEXAS HERE'S THA RULES!"
1. Pull up your pants and take that earring out. You look
like an idiot.
2. It's called a "gravel road." No matter how slow you
drive, you're going to get dust on your BMW. So, drive or git outta the way.
3. Yeah, we all started hunting and fishing before we
started to school. Sure, we saw "Bambi" but we got over it.
4. Go ahead. Bring your $600 Orvis Fly Rod--but don't
cry when a catfish breaks it off at the handle. We have a name for that little 10 inch bass you're fishing for--we call it
5. That bent-over farmer did more work before breakfast
than you do all week, including your visits to the gym. He does't need your respect but he surely DESERVES IT.
6. If your cell phone rings while we're in the woods waiting
on a buck, we'll shoot it. You might hope you don't have it to your ear at the time.
7. If you bring "Coke" into our homes, it'd better be
brown, wet, and best served over a glass of ice.
8. You have a $60,000 car? We're not impressed. Heck,
we drive tractors, cotton pickers and hay balers that cost a quarter million dollars--and we only drive them a few weeks each
9. Yeah, we eat catfish, deer, rabbit, and squirrel. You
want sushi? It's available at the bait shop.
10. What's that? People are waving at you in your car
and smiling at you on the streets? We call it being friendly. Try to understand the concept.
11. And finally, we still believe in the Bible; that Jesus
is the only way to get to Heaven because Adam's sin separated man from God. Don't you?
The Devil Made Her Do It
The poor country pastor was livid when he confronted his
wife with the receipt for a $250 dress she had bought. "How could you do this!" he exclaimed.
"I don't know," she wailed, "I was standing in the store
looking at the dress. Then I found myself trying it on. It was like the Devil was whispering to me, 'Gee, you look great in
that dress. You should buy it."
"Well," the pastor persisted, "You know how to deal with
him! Why didn't you tell him, 'Get behind me, Satan!' "
"I did," wailed his wife, "but then he said "It looks
great from back here, too!"
ATTENTION ALL VISITORS TO TEXAS HERE'S THA RULES #2!"
1. Any references to "corn fed" when talking about our
women will get you whipped...by our women.
2. Let's get this straight. We have one stoplight in town.
We stop when it's red. We may even stop when it's yellow.
3. We don't do "hurry up" well.
4. Grits are corn. You put butter, salt, and maybe even
some pepper on them. You want to put milk and sugar on them then you want cream of wheat -- go to Kansas. That would be west.
5 The "Opener" refers to the first day of deer season
or dove season. Both are holidays. You can get pancakes, cane syrup, and sausage before daylight at the church on either day.
6. Yeah, we have golf courses. Don't hit in the water
hazards. It spooks the fish and bothers the gators -- and if you hit it in the rough, we have these things called Diamondbacks,
and they're not baseball players.
7. We have lots of pine trees. They have sap. It drips
from them. You park your Navigator under them, and they'll leave a logo on your hood.
8. You burn an American flag in our state -- you get beat
up. No questions. The liberal contingent of our state legislature (all 4 of them) enacted a measure to stop this. There is
now a $10 fine for beating up the flag burner.
9. We do not ever, ever, ever say the word you all, contrary
to what Hollywood may lead you to believe. The word is y'all and it could be either 1 person or 101.
10. Tea--yeah, we have tea. It comes in a glass over ice
and is sweet. You want it hot--sit it in the sun. You want it UN-sweetened--add a lot of water.
A lone cowpoke rode into town and stopped at the local
waterin' hole for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals had a habit of picking on strangers. When the cowpoke finished his drink
and headed out, he found his horse was missing.
The visitor stormed back into the bar, flipped his gun
into the air, snatched it above his head without even looking and drilled three holes in the ceiling.
"Fess up! Which one of you sidewinders stole ma hoss?"
he demanded with surprising forcefulness. Silence...No one answered...No one moved.
"Alright," he said. "I'm gonna have another drink, and
if Ole Blue ain't back out front BY THE TIME I'M DONE, I'M GONNA DO WHAT I DUN IN TEXAS! AND BELIEVE ME, I DON'T LIKE TO HAVE
TO DO WHAT I DUN IN TEXAS!"
Some of the locals shifted restlessly.
A few minutes later the stranger finished his drink, walked
outside, and found Ole Blue hitched back up where he was supposed to be! He swung up into the saddle and was about to ride
out of town when the bartender burst out of the bar and asked, "Say partner, I've got to know...What happened in Texas?"
The cowboy reined in, turned back, grinned and said, "I
had to walk home."
"Vermont Meets Texas"
All right, porchers. Y'all know that I've
tried to keep the regional squabbles to a minimum here on the porch. Well, it has been brought to my attention that I said
I'd poke fun at us southerners every now and then just to even the plate and I haven't yet. On that note, I offer you the
following story. Enjoy it, I don't know how many of these you'll see...
Did you hear about the Texas rancher visiting
New England? After touring a Vermont farm with his host, he asked how large the farm was.
"Well, said the Vermonter, "see that big
tree over there? That's one edge, and then down to the rock wall down there, and over just past that red barn in the distance."
"That's it!" exclaimed the Texan. "On my
ranch you'd have to drive all day just to get down to the southernmost border!"
The Vermonter nodded solemnly
and said, "Yeah, I had a truck like that once.""Impatient Yankee"
YANKEE IN THE DITCH
So, have you heard about that Yankee
fellow that drove his car into the ditch outside of town? I hear he was in an awful big hurry. Luckily for him, Old Man Henry
came by about that time with that big strong horse of his. He hitched Blaze up to that fancy car and yelled, "Pull, Nellie,
pull!" Blaze didn't move.
"Pull, Buster, pull," Old Man Henry called
out. Through it all Blaze just stood there, even when Old Man Henry hollered, "pull, Charlie, pull!"
That Yankee fellow was getting mighty impatient
by the time Old Man Henry nonchalantly said, "pull, Blaze, pull", and Blaze dragged that car out and up on the road. Although
our Yankee visitor was grateful he couldn't resist pointing out to Old Man Henry that he'd gotten out sooner if he hadn't
called his horse by the wrong name three times.
"Son," Old Man Henry said, in that patient
way he's got. "You best be glad I did. Blaze is blind. If he thought he was the only one pulling, he wouldn't even try."