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Ways To Survive Even The Dullest Of Sermons
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Christian Stress Relief
If Jesus Were A Redneck
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The Road of Life


His first words to the congregation on Sunday morning are "alright, listen up you heathens..."

He falls asleep during his own sermon.

He shows up for Sunday service wearing Bermuda Shorts and a Tank Top

Every time his pager goes off, he shouts, "Why can't they just leave me alone?!"

Announces baptismal services will be at the Grand Canyon

You go to his office for counseling and pour your heart out to him and he says, "Sounds like a personal problem to me."

For the past two months he has preached the same sermon every Sunday.


The pastor of a church is in a precarious position; he can't please everyone! It has been said:

* If he is young, he lacks experience; if his hair is grey, he's too old for the young people.

* If he has several children, he has too many; if he has no children, he's setting a bad example.

* If he preaches from his notes, he has canned sermons and is too dry; if he doesn't use notes, he has not studied and is not deep.

* If he is attentive to the poor people in the church, they claim he is playing to the grandstand; if he pays attention to the wealthy, he is trying to be an aristocrat.

* If he suggests changes for improvement of the church, he is a dictator; if he makes no suggestions, he is a figurehead.

* If he uses too many illustrations, he neglects the Bible; if he doesn't use enough illustrations, he isn't clear.

* If he condemns wrong, he is cranky; if he doesn't preach against sin, he's a compromiser.

* If he fails to please somebody, he's hurting the church and ought to leave; if he tries to please everyone, he is a fool.

* If he preaches about money, he's a money grabber; if he doesn't preach spiritual giving, he is failing to develop the people.

* If he drives an old car, he shames his congregation; if he drives a new car, he is setting his affection on earthly things.

* If he preaches all the time, the people get tired of hearing one man; if he invites guest speakers, he is shirking his responsibility.

* If he receives a large salary, he's mercenary; if he receives only a small salary, it proves he isn't worth much anyway.


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