This trail is a blast!..................(Translation: I hope you have good medical insurance!)

I think my saddle is slipping!............(Translation: Slow down, will ya?)

I've decided to wear my sweats today, who cares about "proper riding attire"?..........(Translation: I've gained 5 pounds.)

I've decided to buy a lighter saddle.......(Translation: I've gained 10 pounds)

I'm taking up clog dancing.........(Translation: I've gained 25 pounds.)

Western riders are a bunch of cowboy-hat-wearin', snuff chewing, lousy-hang-on-to-the-saddle-horn ridin' snobs...........(Translation: I'm an English riding snob.)

English riders are a bunch of tight-pant-wearin', uptight, look-down-their-noses punks..........(Translation: I'm a Western riding punk.)

I'm carbo loading..........(Translation: Pass the ice cream.)

I'm tapering..........(Translation: I haven't ridden in two months.)

If your a good rider, you don't need to wear a helmet..........(Translation: I'm so stupid a brain injury wouldn't affect me.)

Nobody needs a gaited horse.........(Translation: I can't afford a gaited horse.)

A gaited horse is the only way to go!.........(Translation: I just dropped three-months salary for a gaited horse!)

She's a hammer.........(Translation: She's a better rider than me.)

He's a geek.........(Translation: I'm a better rider than him.)

I bonked..........(Translation: All I took for a 4-hour trail ride was a half-empty bottle of month-old orange juice and a moldy twinkie.)

If you don't fall off, you're not pushing yourself enough..........(Translation: I fall off a lot.)

I do all my own training..........(Translation: When I have a bucket full of grain, I can catch my horse.)

I didn't want to go above my target heart rate.........(Translation: These days I reach my anaerobic threshold when I hit the TV remote.)

Thanks for waiting..........(Translation: Wipe that smug grin off your ugly face.)

I'm pretty sure I know where we are now..........(Translation: We're hopelessly lost.)

This section of trail looks do-able.........(Translation: You first, sucker.)

Riding pants look stupid...........(Translation: I've never ridden English before....and I've never had a saddle sore.)

Been riding much?...........(Translation: Are you a better rider than me?)

Not much, you? ............(Translation: My anaerobic threshold is 250 and my resting pulse is 14.)

Nah, I've been really busy lately.........(Translation: My body fat is 2%.......go ahead sucker, challenge me, make my day.)

Well, let's take it easy today then...........(Translation: Ready? Set? GO!!)