A man takes his horse to the vet. The horse gets a check up. The vet then says to his nurse "This horse
is only to pay 1/4 of his bill." The nurse asks why.
The vet replies "Because he's a Quarter Horse!
Why did the cowboy sleep with his saddle on?
In case he caught any nightMARES!
I went riding today.
Sure! It came back before I did.
Did you hear about the horse that got a job in a watch factory?
All he did was stand around making
I came down with laryngitis last week.
One day, while I was petting a Shetland Pony at the zoo,
a friend of mine asked, "How are you today?."
I responded, "I'm feeling a little horse."
If one horse and rider is traveling in one direction down a narrow pass at 20mph, when will they meet?
than they want to!
We lost our horse. It got away while we were on vacation.
Why not put an ad in the newspaper "Lost
& Found" column?
Dont be ridiculous. He can't read!
Girl: We have a mayor. Do you?
Girl: What do you call it?
Horse: Same as you
I had a near death experience that has changed me forever. The other day I went horseback riding. Everything
was going fine until the horse started bouncing out of control. I tried with all my might to hang on, but was thrown off.
Just when things could not possibly get worse, my foot gets caught in the stirrup. When this happened, I fell head first to
the ground. My head continued to bounce harder as the horse did not stop or even slow down. Just as I was giving up hope and
losing consciousness, the Walmart manager came and unplugged it. Thank Goodness for heroes!
An out-of-towner accidentally drives his car into a deep ditch on the side of a country road. Luckily
a farmer happened by with his big old horse named Benny. The man asked for help. The farmer said Benny could pull his car
out. So he backed Benny up and hitched Benny to the man's car bumper. Then he yelled, "Pull, Nellie, pull." Benny didn't move.
Then he yelled, "Come on, pull Ranger." Still, Benny didn't move. Then he yelled really loud, "Now pull, Fred, pull hard."
Benny just stood. Then the farmer nonchalantly said, "Okay, Benny, pull." Benny pulled the car out of the ditch. The man was
very appreciative but curious. He asked the farmer why he called his horse by the wrong name three times. The farmer said,
"Oh, Benny is blind, and if he thought he was the only one pulling he wouldn't even try."
It was a sunny afternoon when Bob said to George, "Hey, George, why don't we get ourselves 2 horses?
We could ride them in the summer and in the winter we could put them in the paddock behind the house." George thought it was
a great idea, so the next day they went out and bought themselves 2 horses. They rode them in the summer, but when winter
came George got worried. He said "Hey, Bob, how are we going to tell them apart next spring?" Bob said, "Well, I'll shave
the mane off mine and you shave the tail off yours." This satisfied George, so he did. The next spring when they went back
to get their horses they found the horses' hair had all grown back. Alarmed, George said, "Oh great, now how are we going
to tell them apart?" and Bob said, "Well, you can have the black one and I'll take the white one."
A cowboy goes into a bar, has a beer, walks outside and finds his horse has been stolen. He walks back
into the bar, fires his gun through the ceiling. "Which one of you mothers stole my hoss?" he yells. No one answers. "All
right, I'm gonna have one more beer and if my hoss ain't outside by the time I finish, I'm gonna do what I dun in Texas."
He drinks another beer, walks outside, and his horse is back. So he gets on it and gets ready to ride out of town. The bartender
walks out of the bar and asks, "Say pardner, what happened in Texas?" The cowboy turns to him, and says, "I had to bloody
A lady buys two horses but she can't tell them apart. Her neighbor tells her to trim one of the horses
tails. So she did. But the other horse gets its tail stuck in a bush and gets its tail cut in the same place. So then the
neighbor says to pierce one of the horses ears. So she did. But the other horse gets its ear stuck on a bob wire fence and
gets its ear pierced in the same place. So finally the neighbor says ''Why don't you measure one the horses and see which
one is taller.'' So she did. Well the owner was relived to find out that the black horse was 6 inches taller than the white
How do you......
induce labor in a mare? Take a nap.
constipation? Load them in a clean trailer.
cure equine insomnia? Take them in a halter class.
get a horse to stay
very calm and laid back? Enter them in a liberty class.
get a horse to wash their own feet? Clean the water trough and
fill it with fresh water.
get a mare to come in heat? Take her to a show.
get a mare in foal the first cover? Let
the wrong stallion get out of his stall.
make sure that a mare has that beautiful, perfectly marked foal you always wanted?
Sell her before she foals.
get a show horse to set up perfect and really stretch? Get him out late at night or anytime
no one is a round to see him.
induce a cold snap in the weather? Clip a horse.
make it rain? Mow a field of hay.
a small fortune in the horse business? Start with a large one.
One day a man that had horses went to check on his favorite one. He was in for a shock, and
as he opened the stall door, he saw the horse was rabid and foaming at the mouth. It louged at him, and, very quickly, gave
him a nasty wound on the arm. His wife left to call 911, and when she got back she found him writing furiously. She told him
that there was no need to make out his will, because they had a cure for rabies. He looked at her blankly and said, "Will?
What will? I'm making a list of people I'm gonna bite."
One day a man passed by a farm and saw a beautiful horse.
Hoping to buy the animal, he said to the farmer: "I think your horse looks pretty good, so I'll give you $500 for him." "He
doesn't look so good, and he's not for sale," the farmer said. The man insisted, "I think he looks just fine and I'll up the
price to $1,000." "He doesn't look so good," the farmer said, "but if you want him that much, he's yours." The next day the
man came back raging mad. He went up to the farmer and screamed, "You sold me a blind horse. You cheated me!" The farmer calmly
replied, "I told you he didn't look so good, didn't I?"
One day, while I was petting a Shetland Pony at the
zoo, a friend of mine asked, "How are you today?." I responded, "I'm feelin a little hoarse."
P.M.S. -- Pissy
There was a preacher who was trying to sell his horse. A man stopped by to see how the horse
rode. The preacher told the man that instead of saying, “walk", say, “praise the Lord,” and instead of saying,
“whoa,” say, “amen.” So the man got on the horse and said, “praise the Lord,” and the
horse started to walk. The man then said, “praise the Lord,” again and the horse started to trot. He said it a
few more times, then the horse started galloping. Suddenly a cliff appeared. The man yelled "Whoa!". The horse didn't stop.
He tried yelling al sorts of things, and he tried to pull the horse up, but it wouldn't stop. Then suddenly he remembered
what to say. The man said, “amen.” The horse stopped right before they fell off. The man was so releived that
he put his hand on his forehead and then said, ”Praise the Lord.”
An out-of-towner accidentally
drives his car into a deep ditch on the side of a country road. Luckily a farmer happened by with his big old horse named
Betsy. The man asked for help. The farmer said Betsy could pull his car out. So he backed Betsy up and hitched Betsy to the
man's car bumper. Then he yelled, "Pull, Nellie, pull." Betsy didn't move. Then he yelled, "Come on, pull Ranger." Still,
Betsy didn't move. Then he yelled really loud, "Now pull, Fred, pull hard." Betsy just stood. Then the farmer nonchalantly
said, "Okay, Betsy, pull." Betsy pulled the car out of the ditch. The man was very appreciative but curious. He asked the
farmer why he called his horse by the wrong name three times. The farmer said, "Oh, Betsy is blind, and if she thought she
was the only one pulling she wouldn't even try.
A horse walked into the Ice Cream shop. "I'll get a chocolate
ice cream cone" The horse said. The Ice Cream Man, John, gave the horse the cone. The horse, having a $10 bill in his wallet,
gave the money to John. Since John thought the horse wouldn't know a thing about money, he gave the horse one dollar back.
"Thanks for coming," John said to the horse. "We don't get many horses around here!" The horse replied "Well, it's no wonder
for $9.00 a cone!"
Two show stallions are arguing over who should take best of breed. The first says, "I'll
grant you are the closest I have ever seen to my equal, but my legs are just a bit straighter than yours, and, you know, the
legs are of prime importance: no foot, no horse!" The second horse says, "I'll allow your legs are just a bit better than
mine, but mine are the legs I was born with and I know for a fact you had thousands of dollars of corrective work. Your foals
will inherit your natural legs, not your genius farrier!" The first horse mulls this for a moment, then says, "You're right.
I stand corrected..."
A mean school principal who rides on weekends went into a tack store and asked for one
spur. "One spur?" said the store owner, "Surely you mean two spurs?" "No," said the principal, "Just one will do. If I can
get one side of the horse to go, the other side is bound to come with it."
A cowboy rode into town and stopped
at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the saloon's regulars had a habit of picking on strangers. When the cowboy finished
his drink and left the saloon, he found that his horse had been stolen. He went back into the bar, handily flipped his gun
into the air, caught it above his head without looking and fired a shot into the ceiling. "Which one of you sidewinders stole
my horse?" he yelled forcefully. No one answered. "All right, I'm gonna have another beer, and if my horse ain't back outside
by the time I finish, I'm gonna do what I done in Texas! And I don't want to have to do what I done in Texas!" Some of the
locals shifted restlessly. The cowboy, true to his word, had another beer and walked outside, to find that his horse has been
returned to its post. He saddled up and prepared to ride out of town. The bartender followed the cowboy out of the bar. "Say,
partner, before you go," the bartender asked nervously, "what happened in Texas?" The cowboy turned back and said, " I had
to walk home."
Three race horses stood in their stalls. One said to other others: "I ran 20 races and I won
15 of them!" she bragged. The next said with a snort, "Well, I ran 30 races and won 25 of them!" Then the third horse spoke
up proudly, "Yeah, I ran 41 races and won 39 of them!" This seemed to settle the topic when the horses noticed a Greyhound
outside their stalls. The Greyhound said, "I ran 100 races and I won 99 of them." The horses looked at each other in amazement
and one gasped, "Wow! A talking greyhound!"
Two stupid men bought a bunch of horses at an auction, paying one
hundred dollars apiece for them. Then they drove to another auction, and sold all their horsesfor the same price they'd paid
for them. After counting their money at the end of the day, they realize they'd ended up with no more money than they'd started
with. "See!" said one. "I told you we shoulda bought more horses!"
The eastern lady who was all ready to take
a horseback ride said to the cowboy, "Can you get me a nice gentle pony?" "Shore," said the cowboy. "What kind of a saddle
do you want, English or western?" "What's the difference?" asked the lady. "The western saddle has a horn on it," said the
cowboy. "If the traffic is so thick here in the mountains that I need a horn on my saddle, I don't believe I want to ride."
cowboy rushed into to saloon yelling, "All right, who's the wise guy that painted my horse yellow?" There was silence in the
saloon. 'Fess up if you dare," shouted the cowboy. With that, the biggest, meanest-looking hombre he had ever seen got up
from one of the tables, rested his hands on his gun handles and coolly stated, "I did, whaddaya want to tell me?"
looked up and down at this terrifying figure, swallowed hard and replied, "Just thought you'd like know, the first coat's
An Easterner had always dreamed of owning his own horse ranch, and finally made enough money to buy himself
the spread of his dreams out west. "So what did you name the ranch?" asked his best friend when came to visit. "We had a heck
of a time," admitted the new cowboy, couldn't agree on anything. We finally settled on the Double R Lazy L Triple Horseshoe
Bar-7 Lucky Diamond ABC XYZ Ranch. "Wow!" his friend was impressed. "So where are all the horses?" "None of 'em survived the
You know you're a horse person when.......
You cluck to your car when you go up a hill.
Your horse's hair is in better condition than your own.
You refer to your car as "my portable tack room."
You are excited when your friend tells you that there is a huge sale at the bridle shop, then you are
disappointed when you realize they mean the bridal shop.
You have the vet's number but not your kid's pediatrician on your speed dial.
Your spouse can track dirt into the house all they want, but God help them if they muddy up the tack
Your house is a mess, but the barn is as neat as a pin.
Your nice clothes are the ones without horsehair all over them.
You have to go to your friend's wedding in riding clothes because you took too long at the barn.