Although I have worked hard all day, and should be very tired, when my human finally returns me to
the pasture, I should not show how much energy I still have by chasing all the other horses around for an hour and firmly
whopping all their butts, establishing myself as the new herd Boss.
Chili powder does not make the fence rail even tastier.
I promise that when it is snowing and I am running around in the paddock, I will be careful not to
rear up and flip over the 4' fence and land outside the paddock.
I will let Merlot into the run-in shed in bad weather.
I will never again put my dirty foot into the freshly cleaned horse trough.
I will no longer kick 15' in the air when a horsefly lands on my back (even if it is a Giant Mutant
horsefly). I understand it will not carry me off to feed to its young.
I will not abuse the fact that my human is letting me get turned out in the daytime. I am a BLACK horse
and my human likes me to stay that way. I promise to at least stand in the large amount of shade offered to me.
I will not assume that because my person fits between the rails on the post and rail fencing, I will.
(This was very humiliating, I couldn't get my head and leg back and had to wait for her to do it.)
I will not destroy two so-called "indestructible" toy balls in 24 hours.
I will not dump the water trough daily, especially when it is really hot out.
I will not give the other slave a hard time when its time for dinner... I will go directly to my stall
and not run through the barn at warp speed screaming my head off.
I will not jump over the automatic waterer in my field and run the fence line because I can't figure
out how to get back to my pasture.
I will not jump the fence when I go out to play and my human doesn't stay even though she tells me
she will be ok (I worry about her).
I will not just stop for no reason when my slave is leading my baby and myself out to the paddock so
that my slave does the splits with his arms.
I will not knock down the top rail of the fence to nibble the grass on the other side.
I will not lie in the mud when I have a perfectly nice shed with clean shavings.
I will not make my slave come and get me in the mud, I will come when called.
I will not open the hay room door when slave has forgotten to chain and lock it shut.
I will not put my hooves on the fence and get my leg stuck on it.
I will not roll *right* next to the fence so I get cast. Especially at the far side of a muddy field
when my She doesn't have her rubber boots with her.
I will not roll 10 minutes before my human gets home from school and wants to ride out with friends.
I will not roll in the mud when it is thirty degrees out and come in cold.
I will not run over my owner when that person tries to open my stall door and let me out. Further,
I will then only go through the gate leading to the pasture, not the one opening into the road. I do not want my owner to
resort to putting my halter on just to turn me out, as if I were a silly foal.
I will not stand outside and watch it rain and/or snow.
I will not start pushing my human towards the barn with my head as soon as she dismounts.
I will not throw fits and run around and kick my heels up past the top fence rail when my human turns
me out in the dry lot without the other horse.
I will not try to climb 5' pole fences and get my hoof caught in the hinge.
I will not try to kick to smithereens the beautiful new trailer that my humans saved up a long time
to buy just for me.
I will not try to open the windows to other horse's stalls when my human turns me out in the dry lot
behind the barn while she cleans my stall.
I will not use the jump as a back scratcher.
If I have to roll I will try to do it in a nice grassy area, not in the dustbowl bit.
Just because my human gave me a small fenced off section of the pasture, I don't have to run it in
circles until a mud hole 3" deep is present all around the perimeter.
Just because some other horses are in the pasture next to my paddock and I want to be out there with
them, doesn't mean that I can bump up against the fence continuously until I develop a large hematoma on my chest. This upsets
my human and causes the vet to come out and lance the hematoma, resulting in a disgusting gash on my chest that makes other
humans think my human is neglecting me.
Just because the herd in the pasture goes to the other end, I don't have to scream and run about, tearing
up my pen and throwing a fit. I am not being abandoned, and I don't really want to be out with them anyhow. The big filly
wants to kill me.
My best pasture buddy and I will not attempt our Beavis & Butthead impersonation and proceed to
beat each other up.
Now that I have come within a few kicks of knocking out the dividing wall of my stall and have been
moved to the corral, I must not show my skill in opening horse-proof gate latches.
Once I get in the other field, I will not rip off all the plywood on the back of their shed in a raging
We, the entire pasture gang, will not steal anything from the bed of the contractor's truck, even though
that pail of shiny new nails caught our attention. We now know that we should not run with a bucket of nails while the contractors
chase us because they say many words we have never heard.
We will not pretend it's just the wind when I hear dear Auntie calling our names.
When it has been raining and the pen is very muddy I will not come running up to my human when she
has her hands full of hay and skid to a stop slinging mud all over her.