Although I'm not hurting anything when I tug on my human's shirt when I want her attention, this is
rude, and makes people think I'm biting her.
Balking out of sheer stubbornness is not okay when first starting the parade. Balking because I am
spooked is even less sensible, especially when the scary stuff is BEHIND me!
I am not a race horse and will therefore not try to bolt ahead of all the other horses when riding
in a group.
I can stand still for more than 5 seconds.
I promise to stop biting my human's sports drink bottle. Even if it is partly her fault for always
bringing orange Gatorade which is the same color as a carrot. I have to be sure it's not a carrot, don't I?
I will discontinue my newly formed game of breaking lead ropes, as it is an expensive one, and is making
my human say bad words, like DOG FOOD, GLUE, and (shuddering) TRAINERS!
I will not act like I'm going to kick when my human cleans the wire cut on the inside of my hock. It's
my own fault that I wasn't watching where I was going and crashed through the fence! (That is one bad place for a five inch
cut-sooooo easy to get kicked!)
I will not buck across the entire length of the back side of the race track when my human refuses to
let me chase the horses when they break from the gate. (We are the horse and rider who stand on the outskirts of the track
to catch run-away racehorses. This causes the patrons to bet on my staying on instead of the winning race horse!)
I will not get jealous of my sister, niece and herdmates because they get their feet picked and I don't.
If I do get jealous, I will not put my feet in the water.
I will not go insane when my human will not let me follow the mare of my dreams when she bolts.
I will not knock my human down by eating her boots, even though they are thoroughly battered.
I will not learn bad manners from the new horse like running away when my human tries to catch me.
I will not lick the pepper flavored Chew Stop off my human's fingers. (So much for that way to stop
I cannot dig a hole deep enough to get out of my stall, so I will stop digging one right in front of
my stall door. The humans keep stepping in it, and will get hurt.
I cannot do a two legged dance on ice. I will slip. I shouldn't do the two legged dance anyway when
I am not that scared.
I do not need to run frantically up and down the fence line looking for my human.
I will not die if I can't get a peppermint immediately upon seeing my human.
I will not do the two legged dance because I don't want to stand still. I will also not do the two
legged dance because I just feel good and don't want to walk.
I will not jump the fence and go frantically searching for my human.
I will not loosen my own tiedown.
I will not make myself stiff and sore while being boarded out, making my human and the boarding humans
think I'm getting arthritis, when in fact I'm pulling down their rail fences instead of just jumping over them.
I will not pickpocket the hammer out of my human's pocket when s/he is up on the ladder fixing the
gutters. I will not knock down the ladder when s/he has to get off of it to pick up the hammer I just filched out of her/his
I will not plant all four feet and refuge to budge, just because someone other than my human is trying
to ride me.
I will not play with my most private, personal part in public. Nor will I give seminars in exposing
said private part to my herd members.
I will not pull my bridle and halter off the side of my stall and shake it to get attention or a carrot.
I will not push the human over into the mud, jump over her, step on her hat, and gleefully go flying
up into the furthest corner of the pasture, dragging my lead rope. She will only get up spit the mud out, chase me down, and
make me walk all the way back to the barn, and insist that I wait while she hoses herself off. She will then INSIST that I
walk nicely and politely back to the pasture, wait patiently while she opens the gate, take four nice steps in, and turn to
have my lead rope removed.
I will not rub my braids out the night before a big "A" rated horse show when I know it took my human
4 hours to make them look attractive.
I will not rush at a fence only to refuse it.
I will not scream into the long hours of the night when my girlfriend is on a supper ride.
I will not stand in the part of the horse pasture most deeply covered by water when the humans are
looking for me.
I will not steal a sandal from my human and then run all around the 9 acre pasture tossing it back
and forth to my friends in a game of keep away.
I will not try to remove my bridle with my tongue while we are waiting in line at a show to hear the
I will quit attempting to remove the shirts of the female humans. I am a girl horse, and I do not need
to expose their wares for the entire stable to see. If I want to take someone's shirt off, it will be the one the male human
I will restrict blowing bubbles in my water barrels to daylight hours - except when the turkeys gobble!
I will stop flapping my lips every time my human says a word to me.
I will stop giving my human friends wedgies! (She will follow you around, then reach down, grab the
back of your pants and yank!)
If I am becoming slightly dehydrated, I WILL drink more than 3 gallons of water when the human offers
me ten gallons! Those five-gallon buckets are heavy!
If I can roll in mud puddles, I do not need to jump over them when being led across them.
If there are flies, I will not rear continuously.
It is not in my best interest not to remove my human's police badge while standing in front of judges
Just because one of the other psychotic Arabians calmed down does not mean I have to freak out even
more to compensate for his loss.
Leading all three other horses over the fence and down the road was not a good idea. I and my companion
mare may have the jumping ability of a deer, but the other two don't and so got tangled up in the fence. Then, since they
needed their feet trimmed badly, they chipped out, making it impossible for my human to move us until they got trimmed. If
I ever pull such a stunt again, I will find myself confined to a stall, which I hate.
My first birthday is no excuse for forgetting what manners are and what my human taught me when I was
a little baby. (He was pushing me around, being really piggy, wouldn't stay out of my "space", shoving me with his head, and
I asked him where his manners were. He gave a blank look that said "Manners? What are those?")
My human may sometimes produce apples in the pasture, but she is not a large apple, and I do not need
to protect her from all of the other horses. She does not need protection and may in fact get hurt as I run around like an
On the trail, I will not act lame making my human walk me back home and fret all night long about me
being lame, then appear perfectly sound the next day.
Once I am well on my way in the parade, I will not become so spooked out that I attempt to run up the
butt of the fake moose in front of me. (Ever wonder what a 1300 pound suppository feels like?) When my human refuses to allow
me to bolt right over the top of the fake moose in front of me, I will not attempt to run over the crowd backwards because
I can't hold still.
The 50+ gallon water trough is not easy (for a human) to lift out of the mud and be returned to the
bricks it was on; therefore I will not kick it over.
When tied, I will not bolt backward, breaking my halter for absolutely no good reason at all.