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Sayin's To Make Ya Laugh!

DUDE - One of them stall-fed tenderfeet

HUNGRY - He dug in like a wolf after guts

WILD - Wild as a corn-crib rat

TIGHTWAD - He wouldn't loan yuh a nickle 'lessen yuh got the Lord an' all his disciples to go on the note

SLICK - As slick as snot on a door knod - Slicker'n calf slobbers

QUIET - So quiet yuh could hear daylight comin' - Quiet as a hoss thief after a hangin'

NOISY - As noisy as a calf corral - As noisy as a scrub bull in a briar patch - Noiser'n an empty wagon on a froze road - Made more noise than a hair-lipped hombre tryin'to whistle

SCARCE - Scarce as bird dung in a cuckoo clock - Scarce as hiccups at a prayer meeting - Scarce as hens teeth

UNHAPPY - His luck was runnin' kind of muddy - Looked so sad his ears flopped - Had more troubles than Job had boils

MEAN - As mean as a naggin' woman - Meaner'n a rattlesnake on a hot skillet - Puffed up like a green bronc on a cold mornin'

DEAD - He saddled a cloud an' rode to the great beyond - He was starin' at the sky an' seein' nothin' - Dead as a can of corned beef - We put him to bed with a pick and a shovel

CRAZY - I rekkon the heat kinda addled his think box - Kind of off his mental reservation - He was plum weak north of his ears - He couldn't sell hacksaw blades in the hoosegow

HOMELY - Looked like the ugliest mare ever foaled - His front teeth stuck out so far he could eat popcorn out of a jug - She could eat corn through a pickett fence - Had a nose yuh could store a small dog in - Her face looked like the east end of a westbound jackass

LIAR - He was as shy of the truth as a goat is of feathers - Could color up a story redder'n a Navajo blanket

KILLING - He had no breakfast forever - He won a pitchfork for the Great Beyond - It was a corpse 'an cartridge occasion - He had leaned again' a bullet goin' past - A bullet nailed him down - Took all the slack out of his rope - Shot him where he looked the biggest

MAD - Mad 'noug to kick his own dog - Mad 'nough to chomp a chunk out of his axe - Madder'n a rained-on rooster

HE-MAN - He stood out like a tall man at a funeral - A man with fur on his brisket - He maybe don't say nothin', but it ain't safe to ask him questions - He's a man that stood up before he was weaned - His craw was full of sand an' fightin' tallow.

MAD COW - Thet cow maybe a mother, but she shore ain't no lady - I fogs it acrost the corral like I'm goin' to get my gal to dance, with thet cow a scratchin' the grease off'n my pants every jump

PROUD - Statred walkin' like a tomcat in thin mud - Was walkin' like a dog had pissed on his off leg

SINGING - His singin' would stop a freight train - Had a vioce like a gut-gored buffalo - A dry axle could outsing him - His songs were mighty shy on melody, but a heap strong on noise - Couldn't carry a tune in a corked jug

HARDUP - He musta hard wintered by the looks of his outfit - Boots so frazzled he couldn't scratch a match without burnin' his feet - He didn't have 'nough clothes to pad a crutch

FAT - He was fat in the middle an' pore at each end

GRUB - Meat so tough yuh had to sharpen yore knife to cut the gravy - Chili so hot it had to be kept on ice - Deceitful beans -- those as talked behind yore back

SHY - Felt as out of place as a cow on a front porch - As shy as a green bronc at a new water trough

CLEAN - Makin' lather with laundry soap an' alkali water is like tryin' to find a hoss thief in heaven

GAMBLIN'- Nothin in his hand but some very young clubs - When the game was over, he didn't have a tailfeather left - His luck kind raveled out an' cleaned him down to his spurs

POOR - Steers were so thin yuh could look right through them to read the brand on the off side - As poor as a toothless coyote

SLOW - Took him longer than a hair-lipped hombre callin' his dog - So damn slow he couldn't stop quick - Slower'n a snail on crutches

Misc.- Don't corner somethin' meaner than you - Keep skunks and bankers at a distance - Don't name an animal you plan to eat - Never lay an angry hand on a kid or an animal

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