COWMEN SAY IT SALTY
Tryin' to scratch his ear with his elbow or
His hoss throwed him forked-end up or
She don't wear 'nough clothes to dust a fiddle or
"Oh is that you, ma" said the little porcupine as he backed
into a cactus.
SOME COWBOY INSULTS
His family tree was a shrub.
He didn't have nuthin' under his hat but hair.
His brain cavity wouldn't make a drinkin' cup for a canary
She's so ugly, she could back a buzzard off a gut-wagon.
He was so ugly he had to sneak up on a dipper to get a drink
He was so lazy, molasses wouldn't run down his legs.
He was ugly as a burnt boot.
A man that straddles fence usually has a sore crotch
A change of pastures makes fer a fatter calf
Your money don't last as long as a rattler in a cowboys boot.
A lot of folks would do more prain' could they find a soft
spot fer their knees.
There's only two things I'm afeared of, a decent woman an'
bein' left afoot.
Yuh can't turn a woman mor'n yuh can a runaway hog.
A grass widdow is a dangerous critter fer a bachelor cowboy.
Cussin' a range cook is a risky as brandin' a mules tail.
Yer not overweight--jus a foot too short.
A man that looks over his shoulder at every piece of straight
road ain't been livin' a straight life.
That crossin' a woman 'bout as dangerous as walkin' in quicksand
Boothill is full of fellers that pulled their triggers without
If the Lord had intended us to fight like a dog, He'd a give
us longer claws an' teeth.
A friend will stick with you 'til the're cuttin' ice in Death
If the saddle creaks, it's not paid fer.
The bigger the mouth the better it looks shut.
Likker will make yuh see double an' feel single.
Don't never interfere with nothin' what don't bother yuh
The Lord done put tumbleweeds here to show which way the
wind is blowin'.
Most men are like a bob-wire fence, they hav their good points.
HOW HOT IS TEXAS?
Hotter than the hubs of hell.
Hotter.n a burned boot.
It was hotter than hell with the blower on.
Hot enough to wither a fence post.
It too me two hours to blow a cup of coffee cool.
So hot and dry a grass-widder wouldn't take root.
We had to feed the chickens cracked ice to keep 'em from
layin' hard-boiled eggs.
Dark as midnight under a skillet
So dark even the bats stayed home
So dark yuh couldn't find yore nose with both hands
Dark as the insides of a black bear
So damn dark yuh could feel it
LOT OF MONEY
He's got 'nough money to burn a wet mule
He carries a roll as big as a wagon hub
Got 'nough money to be called mister
Had more money than he could keep dry
A roll big 'nough to choke a cow
I've lived in the desert so long I knowed all the lizzards
by their front names..
This homestead stuff is easy as throwin a two-day old calf.
I thaught it'd be like tryin to tie down a bobcat with a piece os string.
Well I better quit spittin on the handle an get back to work..
Behind every successul Cowboy there is a wife with a good
job in town