Tryin' to scratch his ear with his elbow or

His hoss throwed him forked-end up or

She don't wear 'nough clothes to dust a fiddle or

"Oh is that you, ma" said the little porcupine as he backed into a cactus.

His family tree was a shrub.

He didn't have nuthin' under his hat but hair.

His brain cavity wouldn't make a drinkin' cup for a canary bird.

She's so ugly, she could back a buzzard off a gut-wagon.

He was so ugly he had to sneak up on a dipper to get a drink of water.

He was so lazy, molasses wouldn't run down his legs.

He was ugly as a burnt boot.

A man that straddles fence usually has a sore crotch

A change of pastures makes fer a fatter calf

Your money don't last as long as a rattler in a cowboys boot.

A lot of folks would do more prain' could they find a soft spot fer their knees.

There's only two things I'm afeared of, a decent woman an' bein' left afoot.

Yuh can't turn a woman mor'n yuh can a runaway hog.

A grass widdow is a dangerous critter fer a bachelor cowboy.

Cussin' a range cook is a risky as brandin' a mules tail.

Yer not overweight--jus a foot too short.

A man that looks over his shoulder at every piece of straight road ain't been livin' a straight life.

That crossin' a woman 'bout as dangerous as walkin' in quicksand over hell.

Boothill is full of fellers that pulled their triggers without aiming.

If the Lord had intended us to fight like a dog, He'd a give us longer claws an' teeth.

A friend will stick with you 'til the're cuttin' ice in Death Valley.

If the saddle creaks, it's not paid fer.

The bigger the mouth the better it looks shut.

Likker will make yuh see double an' feel single.

Don't never interfere with nothin' what don't bother yuh none.

The Lord done put tumbleweeds here to show which way the wind is blowin'.

Most men are like a bob-wire fence, they hav their good points.

Hotter than the hubs of hell.

Hotter.n a burned boot.

It was hotter than hell with the blower on.

Hot enough to wither a fence post.

It too me two hours to blow a cup of coffee cool.

So hot and dry a grass-widder wouldn't take root.

We had to feed the chickens cracked ice to keep 'em from layin' hard-boiled eggs.

Dark as midnight under a skillet

So dark even the bats stayed home

So dark yuh couldn't find yore nose with both hands

Dark as the insides of a black bear

So damn dark yuh could feel it